If typefaces were people…

…they would have quite the personalities. Ain’t no party like a typeface party! Let’s get familiar with the faces, shall we.

There’s Impact, the guy that’s always talking about the gym. “I just came back from the gym.” “Yeah, I was working out today”. “Did you see me at the gym?” “I was there… working out.” “I usually start my workouts with about 10 minutes of kerning.”

Then there’s Eurostile, the guy that wears shiny club shirts and hooks up sluts like Eccentric Std and Curlz.

Cracked acts inconspicuously, alone in the corner doing… well, I think that’s pretty obvious.

Then there’s the teacher klan, Century Schoolbook, Chalkboard, Marker Felt, and SchoolHouse that stick together like Elmer’s non-toxic glue.

Century Gothic, the hipster with the Ray-Bans, flannel button shirts, and really into indie music.

Futura, the cool one driving a 2011 Hyundai Sonata.

We can’t forget about Zapfino, the pompous, rich bitch that hangs out with the “sophisticated” crowd and sends out the invitations to their balls and dances.

Uncle Bob, who seems nice at first, but after being with him for 5 minutes you feel a little creeped out and reach for your wallet to make sure it’s still there.

Wingdings and her half brother Dingbats, who both only get invited to parties because font families feel sorry for them. And honesty, who doesn’t like a mailbox when their drunk!?

Times New Roman, the one whom people always say “You remind me of someone”. He just has one of those faces.

Stay away from Hobo Std. or you’ll catch something that will itch.

Gill Sans is a friendly chap.

Georgia is a sweet southern gal. However, don’t drop Bodoni’s name around her or she’ll get bold!

Caslon’s bff’s with Bodoni.

Bank Gothic wears too much eyeliner. But if you’re into that kind of thing you may have found your match ­čÖé

Comic Sans has no friends.

Blackmoor LET likes to slay dragons with it’s descenders. Time to take off the cloak. It’s practically 2011 A.D.

Arial is a big time poser. So typical of a Microsoft font. Wouldn’t be surprised to see Arial put ketchup on a hotdog.

Oh yeah, Optima. This one tries to please everyone. Should be in politics. Oh that’s right, that already happened. (Side note: Optima was John McCain’s official presidential campaign┬átypeface. Guess he was the wrong type. Pun.)

Verdana is very flexible. She’s there whenever you need her.

Playbill is a big time drama queen. Makes me want to punch her in her  fat, slabby serifs.

Despite their diversity, the Lucidas stick together. Rule of thumb here is if you see a Lucida, figure there are another couple of family members nearby.

The Palatino family is great. Elegant and sophisticated. A pleasure.

Last, but certainly not least, there’s Helvetica. The most popular one at the party. Helvetica transcends time and popularity. One night Hel’s sippin’ bubbly with Baskerville in a NYC penthouse, the next day Hel’s leading the way, working hands on with subscripts making them super. Helvetica is accessible to everyone and is open and true.

However, Helvetica’s niece Helvetica Neue UltraLight realizes her good looks. And let me tell ya, no one can pull off skinny jeans like UltaLight can. No one.